“You’re a filthy, wrong-minded, heathen, hell-bound evil-doer and an affront to the sight of God!”

“Um…excuse me?” Robin had no fucking clue what was going on. He had been sitting on his couch, quietly watching some show about horrific plane crashes, when Desmond burst into the room and started shouting at him.

“Robin. Please. We’re reasonable guys, you and I. Friends. How long have we known each other?”

“Like a year, maybe?” Robin turned off the TV and settled all his attention on his little ranting friend. Sighing, he reflected that this would probably take a really goddamned long time. And now he would never get to find out why the plane had exploded in mid-air.

Desmond wasn’t paying attention. “For a long time, Robin! We’re buds. Pals. Amis. I trust you, although you’ve currently sunk into depravity and wickedness. Which is why I hope you trust me.” He paused just long enough to blink his big brown eyes earnestly at Robin. “That spirit of trust is what brings me here. And Jesus’ words of love.”

“Desmond.” Robin buried his face in his hands.

“Yes, friend?”

“What in the fuck are you on about now?”

“You! You’re what I’m on about. You have a problem, Robin, and it’s not just your foul language. Even though no one else had the courage to come here and confront you, I do. I do, Robin. I’m here for you. Me and Jesus are here for you.”

Robin raked his fingers through his hair. He should probably stand up, or at least invite Desmond to sit down. But right now, he wanted Desmond as far away from him as possible, and he sure as hell wasn’t going to stand through this shit.

“Which problem would this be, Desmond?” he asked plaintively, hoping his friend would just come out and say what had sparked all this nonsense already.

“Your heroin addiction, Robin.” Desmond regarded him solemnly, hands clasped at waist-level. He looked like a priest. “But with my help and the words of Jesus, you can overcome the devil of addiction!”

Priests had always creeped Robin out.

“And which heroin addiction would this be?”

“Yours! The one you’ve been hiding from everybody. But I can tell.” A wagging finger was thrust into Robin’s face. “And so can Jesus. Jesus can always tell.”

“I don’t have a heroin addiction.”

“Aha! You see, you’re in denial. Which is why I’m here. You can start using drugs recreationally, and maybe that’s what you think you’re still doing, but you’re an addict, and no mistake about it.”

“I’m not a heroin addict.”

“Denial! You can’t fool me, and you can’t fool Jesus.” Spittle flew from Desmond’s mouth as he got more and more worked up. “You’re always tired, you sneeze a lot, you get fevers easily, you’re covered in bruises, and there are needle marks in your arms!”

“Desmond. Calm the fuck down.” Robin was trying his damndest not to laugh.

“Calm down! How can you tell me to calm down at a time like this?! Robin, this is a serious matter! We’re talking about your soul, here!”

“Desmond. I work a full-time job. I go to school. I am involved with theatre and martial arts. Yes, I am always tired. I sneeze a lot and get fevers easily because my immune system is weak because I don’t get enough sleep. See above for why. I am covered in bruises because, again, I am involved with martial arts. I have needle marks in my arm because I am a vegan, and just had blood tests done to make sure I am not anemic or deficient in vitamin B12.”

“A likely story.” Desmond was glaring at him suspiciously.

“Desmond?”

“Yes, Robin?” Still in that priest pose.

“Get the fuck out of here and stop talking about Jesus. You’re an atheist and your family is Jewish anyway.”

“But—”

Robin finally got up off the couch, and used his six extra inches in height and considerable weight advantage to get Desmond in a headlock. Dragging him to the door, he ignored the other guy’s failing attempts to get free. Finally, he opened his apartment door and tossed Desmond out into the hall.

“You’re a dumbass.” He slammed the door shut.

Digging his phone out of his pocket, he dialed and brought it up to his ear. “Hey, Carmen? Desmond’s really worrying me. He just came in here and accused me of being a heroin addict. Me! I think the poor fucker snapped. We should get him some help.”